Check ups..

Yesterday was a beautiful Sunday. The sun isn't piercing through the skin. I drove my mum around the town to do some banking(finally the financial is a little smooth as been struggling for 2 months.) before heading for church service(yesss..we go worship the Lord almighty in Sanctuary every Sunday..religious much?).

When i was in the car with mummy dearest. She gave me an heart attack with this!

" Next year I'll buy you a card for you to have a full body check up. You never did it before.."

Wait. I'm sure you'll be wondering about the word "card" in here. Okay. Here the story. My church will have this event called 'Love in Action' going on every year. It's a collaboration between my church organizations and other health organizations like BP Lab, Easy Phamax and etc etc. What is that all about? It's a blood donation, blood screening and body check ups. In order to get your body screened by professionals you need to pay approximately 35Rm for it. I'm not sure how much they charged for blood screening(i'm not that familiar with events on going at church..religious konon.). Certainly they don't charged you for blood donations(it's DONATION! Duhhhhhhh..). Clear enough?

Okay. Back to the story.

I was pretty shocked when my mum told me that i should go for a full body check ups. Maybe she knew the fact that i'm gay and i slept with countless men(i was a slut mind you! I'm not anymore!).  I swear my heart skipped a beat when she told me that. I told her that i'm healthy. I'm completely fine and i don't need for the body check ups. But she thinks it's better that i go for a check.

At that moment i told myself that i will behave myself and won't go for any sex related activities. I got myself checked before. It was after my late ex left me with the reason that i'm being too needy(i won't get bored of seeing the person that i love..). He was so caught up with his work and had neglected me. He didn't see me for almost 2 weeks(that's a lot for a newly form relationship.) and i was so eager to see him. So in the end both of us decided to end it. I won't further elaborate what had happened since it's not a post of my late ex.

Sex used to be a very sacred thing as i only do it with the one i have commitment with. But it isn't the case when i got so lonely and desperate for a committed  relationship but i just don't get any(i'm not dropdeadgorgeous. That's why i don't get any.). I had sex with other male before i got settled with my late ex. I had even more sex after the relationship ended(i was a horny bitchy slut you see.). It came to a point that i felt completely disgusted at myself for having numerous sexual contact with so many men. I felt so filthy that time even till now. I'm only turning 20 this year and i had already so experienced when it comes to sex. Even those close friends around me who are few years senior than me doesn't have much sexual experienced/encounters nor contact with men which makes myself felt from bad to worst. As though i'm a gigolo. A gigolo that don't get paid for sex. 

But it came to an end about a month and half ago. I finally decided to stop casual sex activities. I forced myself to make a promised to myself that i will stop having sex till i'm fully committed in a relationship. Temptations are everywhere. I was so horny days ago that i refused to jerk off. I don't really like jerking off alone as i used to settled my needs with another horny male. I received several sex invitation mails for random hotties. Hot guys. So so so tempting. I didn't go in the end(i know it's stupid that hotties asked for pleasure session but i denied the invitation.). What's worst than disappointing others is disappointing myself. I could just lie to other people saying i didn't sex ages ago where does i just had it yesterday. Yet i can't possibly lie to myself that.

I had enough of living in denial. I want to stand up and tell the truth. I don't wanna run around lying through my teeth about myself. I expect honesty for that very person and i have to stay honest to myself too. It's never easy to be brutally honest about dirty past. But it won't kill for being honest. 

Right now i'm just going let the fact of being single behind of me and stay focus on what is really crucial for me for the future. 

I'm not going to expect and hope for anything but i'll be up for anything except booty calls.

Cheffy Ric

Signing off..

Randoms..

Two assignments due tomorrow at 11.59pm and i'm still drifting around the starting point.(Yayyy?)